To Do:

I am sitting here, feeling very tired and a bit disheartened after a long day. It wasn't a bad day at all really, just long and tiring.

Sometimes it helps me to make a list of things that I need to do. Ticking off points on a to do list can be really enjoyable for me. But today I made a list of everything that I need to do during a day. The disheartened part comes in where I realize that I literally cannot get it all done in one day.

As stay at home mom, my job can be broken down into 2 parts, kids and house. Typically what happens is this: I concentrate on one side and the other one gets completely ignored.

On a good kid day, I get the kids up, feed them breakfast, play with them, give them lunch, put them down for a nap, get them up, play with them or go somewhere with them, give them dinner, read them stories or let them play for a little bit, brush their teeth, pray with them, and put them to bed.  Occasionally, I will even bathe them. I am a super-fun, paying attention, and disciplining when needed mommy.

But you may or may not notice the lack of cleaning anything whatsoever during this time, because children are needy little time suckers and they apparently don't mind living in bio-hazard dump. They are fed, but dishes and uneaten food is piled on my table and counters. On days like this, my house looks like a little slice of hell for anyone presenting with even the mildest symptoms of OCD.

On a good house day, I get my dishes cleaned up after every meal (which of course is made from scratch), I might go out grocery shopping, I might do the laundry. My floors are picked up and swept, my counter is clear, my laundry is done, put away and folded, the bathrooms are clean, the bedrooms are clean. I might declutter a closet in my journey to a more simple life. Things get dusted. Beds get made. I am a domestic goddess.

These days are only possible on the rare days when my children are completely out of the house. Completely removed. My husband might have them at their grandparents. I don't see them. I am absent mommy.

Sometimes, I imagine a day that I might spend on me. I would take a shower! I would paint using my sadly neglected watercolors! I would practice yoga (maybe even at the gym) and study my materials to take the yoga teachers certification. I would read my Bible and take my time. I would pray. I might even watch a movie. I might blog if I was feeling particularly motivated.

These days are a dream and cannot be.


But I try to do it all. The grocery shopping, the meal planning, the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, taking care of the kids, actually playing with the kids, connecting with them in a way that they and I need. I even try to do something for me. But the kids end a mess, I end exhausted and a mess, trying to keep the kids happy while never truly connecting while I never really clean because I am being distracted by the kids. At the end of the day, the house is a wreck, the kids are in bed, and I am too exhausted to do anything fun for myself of with my husband. I am completely knackered.

And that's where I am right now. Sitting at my desk, typing out my frustrations and looking at the list of things that I try to get done every day and trying not to cry.

Because I cannot do it all, and because I don't know how to stop trying.